"I am not acceptable."
"I am a selfish brat."
"Who I am is not ok."
"I am fat."
"I am worthless."
"No one will want me."
"I am a burden."
"I can't do anything 'right'."
"I don't listen."
"I never finish anything."
"I don't deserve _________."
"I am not wanted."
"I am invisible."
"I will be a terrible mother."

Does any of this sound familiar?
I read a blog post tonight Discovering Hidden Beliefs About Identity, that struck a chord with me personally. In it the author describes a process of finding your own Self-limiting beliefs based on what you were told or made to feel as a child and how those beliefs become cemented into your psyche at a very young age, following you throughout your life, sabotaging your chances at success.

I have heard that 50 percent of what we believe about ourselves and the world is ingrained in our consciousness by the age of four.  By the time we are twelve, we have already subconsciously accepted 75 percent of our 'personal reality' to be universal truth, and by the age of eighteen, we are operating on auto-pilot with our beliefs about the world 90 percent of the time.  Only the remaining 10 percent do we learn as adults.  Think about that.  Our parents and family are our introduction to the world.  Nearly everything we absorb about how life works and how we fit into our world comes from our family environment and what we learn from our friends or teachers in adolescence. 

What you believe about yourself shapes every aspect of your life.   I know parents who make it a point to give their children every opportunity for success and reinforce their child's positive self-image in every way possible, but sadly that's not always the case.  It surely wasn't at my house growing up.  I'm not saying that parents deliberately sabotage their children, but many times that's the end result.  Parents are human.  They have bad days.  They get frustrated and say things they don't mean sometimes and sometimes that one statement speaks to a child's self-worth in a way that has life long consequences.  Our parents had parents too.  They have their own self-worth issues and in some families that reality is passed down through generations, creating a blood line of 'black sheep' or irresponsibility or over-achieving that never ends.  How much do you know about your parents' childhood, what the family structure was, what they believe about themselves, having lived that experience? 

Affirmations and positive thinking can only take you so far in your adult life if you have a core belief that nothing you do turns out right.  If you've been 'programmed' to be unsuccessful, how can you create the kind of life you want?  How do you even know what that looks like if you've never experienced it?

For instance, if your family home was chaotic, noisy, and your parents fought all the time, how are you to create a peaceful and serene environment for yourself and attract a partner who is respectful and kind?  If you've witnessed abuse between your parents or have been abused yourself, how do you learn to trust?  If your parents are always in crisis or leave you alone to fend for yourself, how do you learn to be a more effective and engaged parent as an adult?  Everything we do effects them on a conscious or subconscious level.  No one gets out unscathed, I don't care how good a parent you are...you are going to scar your children somehow.

The key is to be aware, to be conscious of your actions, of your tone, of your offhand or angry remarks and to realize that every action you take, every word you say is shaping the future of that child in some way.
In your child's eyes, you have more power than you can imagine.  Use it wisely and lovingly.

"I am a public-school teacher, and I'm intrigued by the idea of paying kids for results (for good grades), but I worry about the long-term effects [April 19].  School is where kids learn math and reading, but it's also where they learn how to be people.  Bribing kids in school has the potential to deeply warp our society in ways we might not understand."

Erika Englund, Berkeley, CA
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983880,00.html

(as quoted in WebMD magazine)
"Whatever my mom could do or could not do, I also knew that nobody was more important in her life than I was.  You have no idea how much that means when you grow up without so many of the basic things you should have.  You have no idea the security it gives you, how it can make you think, 'Man, I can get through this.  I can survive.'"

I often advise people to take stock of their circumstances and then do something nice for themselves.  They almost always insist that they can't do that for a whole laundry list of reasons; that would be selfish and I'm not a selfish person, I have too much on my plate right now, I don't deserve it (yet), we're all struggling-it wouldn't be fair to anyone else if I took a break, etc...  All of these sound valid but none of them apply to what I'm talking about.

As children, many of us were accused of being or admonished not to be, selfish, self-centered, or egotistical.  The tone of voice that went along with those words told us that 'selfish' was a really disappointing way to be and we sure didn't want to be a source of disappointment to our parents.  In order to avoid being labeled as such, we learned to deny our desires and defer to the people around us first before reaching for what we wanted, whether it was the last chicken leg or a college education.  While I'm sure the emphasis they were trying to make was on teamwork and the good of the whole, the message we got was clear:  Your needs and desires are not as important as everyone else's.  Suck it up.  We did. Usually we continue to throughout our lives. 

Pretty soon, we get into the habit of putting those around us first, we learn to prioritize the needs of our family unit, we learn where we can comfortably operate within our own desires and how much 'self-serving' we can engage in before it's noticed.  We've effectively been taught that doing something to benefit only ourselves is something that should be hidden, something to 'get away with'.  We've also learned that the 'others' are more deserving and that our wants, desires, preferences, dreams, hopes, opinions are back burner material. 

Unfortunately, this can bleed over into more adult situations with some pretty nasty side effects. Some examples:

• Your smart and pretty (and deferential) daughter meets a boy with more experience who 'needs' her to express her feelings for him in a more adult manner, whether she's ready to or not.  
• You land what looks like a great job opportunity that pays well and is very challenging, but within a year you can't stand the pressure of doing the job of the three people they laid off since hiring you.  You hate your job and your life but you don't know how to ask for what you need and you're afraid that you'll be replaced if you do.  
• You start dating someone whom at first seems like a good match for you.  At some point in the relationship you realize that you are different people heading in completely opposite directions, but you don't end the relationship because you feel their 'direction' is more important than yours and you should stay and support them.  
• You love your mother dearly and somehow you wind up being the child she can depend on as she ages.  She suggests you move in with her and share expenses in exchange for helping her with things.  On paper it looks like a win/win situation, but you know that if you do it you'll never have the opportunity to meet a suitable mate and lead the kind of life you've always imagined.  You do it anyway because her need is greater, even if you both have other options. 
• You can never say no when someone asks you to help them move. 
• In acts of defiance you sneak chocolate (or alcohol, or cigarettes, or new clothes, or money from your employer) behind your husband's/kid's/parents'/boss' back because you feel you deserve it. 
• You have a passive-aggressive streak a mile wide when someone asks you to do something that you'd prefer not to, and go to great lengths to make it as big a blunder as possible so they'll never ask you again...but to your credit you didn't refuse.  

If you want to be engulfed by resentment and rage, continue to put yourself on the back burner and see what happens.  It will show itself to you in time, either through poor health, depression, addiction, passive-aggression, rage and fighting, or martyrdom, among other things.  Your children will experience it as feeling like a burden, a hassle, another in a list of your 'chores', and as guilt for all these things.  It will effect their self-esteem as well down the road, because they'll grow up and follow the pattern you're setting for them now. 

You can control the outcome of this one.  Do something sweet for yourself, just because.  Find a small way to take care of yourself every day.  I don't care what it is; make yourself a cup of tea before bed, take a bubble bath, journal(this is your life too, you know), light a candle, watch a chick flick (or a ballgame), meditate, steal some time away to read or listen to music you like, make an amazing meal that you like, write, draw or paint something, take a drive, plant some flowers, watch the sunset, spend an hour on the phone with your best friend, whatever does it for you.  It doesn't have to cost anything.  If you do have the resources, get a pedicure or a massage, take a class that interests you, learn to paint, go to a conference, take a weekend away with the girls or guys, or just a day off in the middle of the week all to yourself.  Always maintain your friendships, they are yours alone and so good for your soul.  They mirror your worth for you and remind you that you're lovable even when you don't feel like it.  With time and practice, you will learn to treat yourself better, which will teach others how to treat you.  It's a beautiful thing. 

I had to start out making myself do it.  Sometimes I would go to bed and realize I hadn't done my 'nice' thing for me yet and I would make myself get up and figure out something to do, even if it was only reading another page in my book.  That was my time to spend doing as I chose.  I marked them on a calendar too, until it became a habit.  If you're like me it won't be easy at first, but you'll learn to like yourself so much more because of it, and you won't be so resentful of the folks around you either.  It's very important to validate yourself and your wishes and desires.  If you don't, no one will. 

Most of us learned these habits from a parent or role model but it doesn't have to define our lives.  Stop the pattern, be kind to yourself, remember who you are and give your children a positive modeling experience, so they in turn can grow up happy and healthy. 

How many times in your life have you acknowledged to yourself that your life has value?

Most of us rarely think about it, much less make a point of verbalizing what we bring to the table of humanity. For the most part, what we put on our resume is about as self-elevating as we'll ever admit to and even then sometimes we're not comfortable with how good we look on paper. Most of us are pretty humble when it comes to describing ourselves and our contributions to the world.

But what if that wasn't the case? What if, from the moment we came into this world the people on the OUTSIDE of us acknowledged the good on the INSIDE of us? What if we arrived on earth feeling wanted and expected and welcome right off the bat? And what if that feeling never changed and we went our whole lives knowing that we matter, that we bring something unique to the people we touch in the world, that we are deserving of the good things that happen to us? What would that be like?

A huge number of people living on this planet were the result of unplanned pregnancies, who came into this life unexpectedly, unwanted, sometimes unloved. Born into a current of fear and regret and feeling like a burden throughout their childhood. How many adults do you know who feel undeserving, unlovable, unappealing, unimportant, uninvited? How many people have you loved who didn't know how to love you back, or couldn't or wouldn't accept your love, who thought there was something wrong with YOU for loving them, because it's VERY clear to them that they're not lovable? Or has that been YOU on occasion? How about this one; "I can't date him/her, they're way too NICE for me." Are they too nice or are you too uncomfortable with someone being THAT good to you? Are you one of those "other shoe" people, who is always expecting something to go wrong and blow your chance at happiness? How do we get this way?

Children have amazing intuitions. They know when something is not right in their environment, they know when they're loved and appreciated and they certainly know when they're not. If you choose to have a child, make the choice to honor that child as well. Treat that child as if it matters, as if it's the most important thing that's ever happened to you, because very likely it is. Make a point of verbally acknowledging the things you're learning from your relationship with your child and all of the good things he or she brings to your experience, I don't care if that child is 2 or 52. People need to know they MATTER. Save yourselves some heartache and therapy down the road. Love each other. You came here to learn together. It's never too late to heal some hurts. Tell them.

To Whom it May Concern:
Whether you are aware of it or not, as your child, I am the greatest blessing you’ll ever receive. I arrived at the perfect time, under the perfect conditions, with perfect intentions. I am your greatest teacher and your ideal student. Every moment we spend together teaches us both something about loving and relating that will stay with us for life. I have chosen you for the unique qualities and values that you bring to my experience here, lessons necessary to fulfill my purpose in life. As much as I need your guidance in order to survive, you also need my contribution to your growth as a human being, to become the best person that you can be and to fulfill your own plan. Thank you for giving me life.
Respectfully,
Your Child